BLACK LIVES MATTER: Using Emotional Intelligence to Have a Conversation
When the word "conversation" is said, the first thing that comes to mind is the act of speaking. The second and third thing that comes to my mind is "with whom," and "Do I want to be in this conversation?" Emotional intelligence (otherwise known as emotional quotient or EQ) is the ability to understand, use, and manage your own emotions in a conscious way to communicate effectively, empathize, listen to yourself and others, overcome challenges and defuse conflict. As an Emotional Intelligence consultant, using Emotional Intelligence (E.I.) is vital to having all parties be heard and increases the chance of a mutually beneficial understanding and resolution.
We are growing away from the old concept of win-lose, where there is a competition between two parties, and only one clear winner, while someone must bear the brunt of the loss. In recognizing all voices involved, the Black community is in a lot of pain and anger over not being heard. They have been subject to unjust treatment, holding onto mental pressure and distress while experiencing prolonged bias through inequitable treatment. The Black community's strength, vitality, and life energy has been blocked from being fully expressed in its innovation and fullest creativity because of this old model of win-lose and thus we enter a new evolution of discarding past methodology for a more constructive way. Take the word Hearing, and observe how through adding self-awareness, and self-control, and other Emotionally Intelligent attributes, you shift into conscious Listening.
The Black Lives Matter movement is asking for change and action. It is diving into having a deeper conversation. It is requiring society to Listen to find the most effective way to ensure what black voices are saying is being received. You can move mountains with how you deliver a message. The underlying question is, what's your intention when you hold this conversation? Through Emotional Intelligence, you are opening the communication channels while making a conscious effort to set judgment, resentment, defensiveness, and aggression aside. Miscommunication is a significant factor in not hearing what the other party is saying, so it is pivotal to come with a different approach when having the conversation that Black Lives Matter.
Avoiding
New research from a leadership training company VitalSmarts found that 1 in 4 people have been putting off an uncomfortable conversation for at least six months, 1 in 10 have been doing so for a year, and another 1 in 10 have been staying quiet on an awkward issue for more than two years. The findings, which were collected from over 500 US-based respondents, also showed 1 in 5 admitted they wouldn't feel confident that the conversation would go in their favor even if they found the courage to have it. I would say that these numbers are deflated. CNBC reported last year even higher rates of avoidance, with 70% of U.S. employees across job levels saying they "would rather keep quiet on an important work issue than tackling it head-on,". These numbers had a disproportionate amount of pressure being placed on minority groups.
Think about your personal life. What conversations have you avoided?
Let's use the action of avoidance in an analogy. If your car's "Check Engine" light goes off, it doesn't mean you need to immediately get out of the car and call a tow truck. However, it does mean you should get the engine checked as soon as possible. We are always encouraged to pay attention to dashboard indicators. While ignoring them for a while often does not cause your vehicle to immediately break down, continuing to ignore it will lead to stress, damage, and eventual malfunction and this is where we stand today.
An Emotionally Intelligent conversation is not just about saying what's on your mind. It's about being able to hear the other side without being attached and, therefore, defensive of your perspective when listening. Using E.I. in a conversation is collaborative.
How to approach a difficult conversation?
Keep your intention in mind at all times
Before you have a conversation, remind yourself what your purpose of having this conversation is. You could even write it down to solidify it. This is to ensure you stay on track with your message. Challenge yourself to connect to your intention and allow that to be your compass. It is easier to remain calm and not react emotionally when you know what you're trying to share.
Be honest and remember to breathe
Open communication requires you to be clear and honest about how you feel; resist the inclination to hide your true feelings and thoughts, as it will muddy your discussion. Acknowledge your role in the situation. If you want to have a real conversation, then first be real with yourself. Tell the story, instead of being in the story. When speaking, pause if you feel you are getting triggered or off track. Use that pause to reconnect to your breath and your message rather than derailing onto other pain points or topics.
Be open for feedback
It's not about "vomiting" your thoughts, feelings, and anger onto another person. People are not brick walls. Instead, your goal is to have your message heard and then take actionable steps toward resolution.
What we are hearing from Patrisse Cullors, BLM co-founder, is that "Black Lives Matter organizers are asking for a reallocation of investment into some of the most marginalized and divested-from communities." More money is being spent on policing than on building support for the communities through programs such as the Department of Health, the Department of Housing Preservation and Development, the Department of Youth and Community Development, financial literacy, emotional literacy, and homeless services.
Since the 1960s, as federal and local spending on the police increased, federal aid for anti-poverty programs and social services shrank. Activists say that the police department rarely lacks money, while mental health services, housing, schools, and other social programs are often left wanting. Police are then called in to deal with the problems that come with these holes being left in the system. Even for those in law enforcement, for whom the concept of "defunding the police" could be uncomfortable, there is still support for redirecting police funding towards city services. In a recent article by the New York Times, Charles H. Ramsey, the former police chief of Philadelphia and Washington, stated that he didn't have a problem "if they re-allocate to give more to substance abuse counselors and mental health professionals." Still, that along with that, the government had to "take away some of that responsibility from the police. Don't just take away money; take away responsibility as well." The last few months have seen nurses struggling to get personal protective equipment to manage the COVID-19 pandemic. In contrast, police officers have appeared at protests with all manner of equipment and weaponry.
The conversation doesn't just stop there. The avoidance previously mentioned comes into play when the listener becomes defensive, combative, or detached. Instead of taking offense to what the protestors say because it makes some feel uncomfortable, try listening, and having a working dialogue that respects all sides.
An Emotionally Intelligent conversation is crucial because it fosters mutual respect and reciprocity for all parties. Not only is a conversation about speaking, but it's also about listening on a higher level. This is a clear example of a win-win, where both parties' input is heard and acknowledged, where the conversations are intentionally collaborative. Having a conversation specifically with collaboration and inclusivity in mind is an example of embodying the idea of "Together, We All Rise."
Join me, along with Ed Ross, Dionne Mack, Charryse Johnson, Noah Prince, and Ashley Sobke on June 26th, where we will facilitate a dialogue that highlights ways individuals and corporations can engage in meaningful and challenging conversations around race and inclusivity.
Let's find ways to increase the Emotional Quotient (E.Q. is a play on I.Q.) to shift from dialogue to action to affect positive change.